Tuffnut is Not Amused
by wingedflower
Summary: Or: how one little chicken's love life can drive the entire Edge nuts. RTTE one-shot.


**So this is probably the weirdest thing I've ever written. Like... I don't even know. Total crack. You have been warned.**

* * *

"Ruffnut! Tuffnut!" Astrid called as she hopped off Stormfly's back and stomped angrily towards the twins, her axe already in her hand. "You two were supposed to show up for patrol duty over half an hour ago! Explain, now!"

"Hey, don't you aim that axe at _me_ , Astrid!" Ruffnut retorted. "It's not my fault that our dragon needs two riders, and one of them is practically _glued_ to the floor at the moment!" and with that she pointed at Tuffnut, who was sitting on the ground a couple of feet ahead, staring at a row of bushes intensely as if they were about to explode at any second.

Astrid lowered her axe and sighed. "What's wrong with him?"

"Oh, nothing's wrong with _me_ , no sir," Tuffnut murmured in response, his eyes never leaving the bushes. "The only thing that's wrong here is - oh, THERE THEY ARE!" he suddenly yelled and jumped to his feet as a loud rustle was heard from the bushes. A small chicken waddled her way out, followed by an enormous, black, proud-looking rooster.

"The love birds," Tuffnut said in a low voice and narrowed his eyes at the couple. "Yeah, that's right, keep walking... Oh, I bet you two have had _such a great time_ in there... Did he tell you the story about the angry chicken who took on the Buffalord? DID HE?!" he screamed at the chicken, who cackled loudly and ran ahead in panic, flapping her wings as her male companion hurried after her.

"Did you hear that?!" Tuffnut turned to Astrid and Ruffnut in a sharp movement. "That was the sound of utter betrayal, ladies! This is exactly how life goes - you bond with a chicken, give her neck massages, tell her a bedtime story every night, let her play ball at the boar pit, let her _be_ the ball at the boar pit - and then one day you wake up and find out that she escaped with some black-feathered, chickenizing _punk!_ " He spat the last word as if it was poisonous.

Ruffnut rolled her eyes. "Here we go again."

"He's been like this since morning, hasn't he?" Astrid asked flatly.

"You have no idea. I don't even know where this rooster came from, but I'm pretty sure Tuff's planning on turning it to dinner very soon."

"Hey, I'm cool with that. And I bet Stormfly wouldn't mind some grilled rooster either, right girl?" Astrid rubbed Stormfly's neck affectionately, and the Nadder squawked in agreement.

The sound of footsteps made them turn their heads to see Hiccup, Fishlegs and Snotlout approaching them, each of them carrying several jars of Monstrous Nightmare gel.

"Afternoon, milady," Hiccup nodded at Astrid. "How was patrol? Saw anything interesting?"

"Luckily, no," Astrid said and put her hand on her hip. "Turns out it's much more interesting in here, though."

Hiccup wrinkled his forehead. "What are you talking about - " but before he got to finish his sentence, Tuffnut grabbed him by the collar of his shirt - none of them had any idea how he got there so fast - and shook him violently, nearly causing him to drop his jars.

"HICCUP!" he screamed as Hiccup tried desperately to tilt his head back and avoid being showered with spit, "Oh, thank Thor you're here! You have to come with me right now! There's been an _infiltration_! We have a dangerous intruder here at the Edge and we must assassinate him before it's too late!"

"What - Tuff, slow down, I don't - " Hiccup stuttered, but Tuffnut was beyond listening. He waved one arm wildly and this time knocked the jars straight off Hiccup's hands, causing them to crush to the ground before anyone got the chance to do anything.

"Tuffnut, are you out of your mind?!" Fishlegs screamed as the precious gel spread on the ground, completely useless by now. "It took us _forever_ to collect all this!"

"Yeah, it's not like Hookfang's your slave or something!" Snotlout snarled, and Hookfang, who stood beside him, roared for emphasis.

But Tuffnut only shook his head wildly, his dreadlocks hitting Hiccup in the face much to Hiccup's dismay. "Did you not hear anything from what I just said?! We have an _intruder_ here, people! The Edge has been penetrated! This is not a drill!"

"Astrid, what in Thor's name does he mean? You said you didn't see anyone," Hiccup said, still struggling to release himself from the mad Thorston's grip.

"Oh, I didn't see anyone indeed," Astrid said. "He's talking about a... different kind of intruder."

Hiccup, Fishlegs and Snotlout stared at her questioningly, but then the two birds re-appeared at the entrance to the clubhouse, and Tuffnut released a furious battle cry and pushed Hiccup aside.

"Here's the culprit! See that black monster over there?! Come on, Toothless, Plasma blast him before he gets away!"

Toothless only huffed and turned his back in contempt.

"Since when do we have a rooster?" Fishlegs wondered.

"I have no idea, but I think we just found our dinner," Snotlout said with a hungry smile. "Finally I'll get my rotisserie chicken..."

"Nobody is rotissering anything until we figure out what's going on here," Hiccup said and frowned at Tuffnut. "Not that I'm too excited to know, but... care to share, Tuff?"

"There isn't really much to figure out," Ruffnut said. "Chicken's got a boyfriend and Tuff's jealous."

"Jealous? _Jealous?!_ " Tuffnut repeated, shocked. "How dare you disrespect my feelings, sister! Can't you see how devastated I am? How heartbroken? Only this morning Barf and Belch blasted Hiccup's roof again and I didn't even _chuckle_! I've lost any reason to live!"

"Wow, he _is_ heartbroken," Fishlegs said with awe.

"Yeah yeah, we get it, very tragic, now can someone please hold this rooster for me so I can wring its neck?" Snotlout said, rubbing his hands together.

"You did _what_ to my roof?" Hiccup blurted, but no one seemed to be listening.

Tuffnut sank to the ground, looking at the sky painfully. "We've been together for so long," he sobbed. "We were soulmates, ever since I've rescued her from that hole..."

"I'm pretty sure it was the other way around," Ruffnut said.

"...and now she won't even _look_ at my direction! All she cares about is that stupid rooster... how she follows him everywhere he goes... he had seduced her, I'm telling you! She would never betray me like this! It's black magic! A witch! BURN THE WITCH!"

The rooster cackled in protest. He puffed his chest and waved his wings wildly, placing himself between the riders and the chicken.

"I gotta say, this rooster _does_ have a bit of a nasty aura," Ruffnut said, thoughtful.

"Oh my Thor," Astrid groaned.

Hiccup sighed. This was going to be a _long_ day. "Look, Tuffnut," he kneeled in front of the moping twin and placed a careful hand on his shoulder. "I understand you feel a bit... neglected, but don't you think it's time for Chicken to, um, leave the nest?"

"But she has the most awesome nest in the world! It has _me_!" Tuffnut whined.

"I know, I know," Hiccup said calmly. "And I'm sure she's very happy with you. But, well... there comes a time at any Chicken's life when... when she wants to settle down, you know? To start a family and have her own little chicks to look after, just like you looked after her until now. This is the one thing you cannot give her, Tuff, and taking this away from her will be to go against nature's way."

"Awww, Hiccup! That was such a sweet thing to say!" Fishlegs squealed and immediately wrapped his arms around Meatlug, unable to contain his emotions.

"Are you for real?" Snotlout grumbled.

For a few seconds, Tuffnut only stared at Hiccup with wide, watery eyes. Then he cried out and pulled the thin boy to a bone-crushing hug, knocking all the air out of his lungs.

"You're right, young Hiccup, of course you're right," he sobbed freely. "Oh, what was I thinking? I was such a selfish fool... selfish, selfish, _selfish!_ " he used one fist to punch his own helmet with every word.

"Hey, save some punches for me!" Ruffnut cheered.

"I was only thinking about myself," Tuffnut continued his speech, "When I should have been thinking about Chicken! _Of course_ she'd want me at her wedding!"

"That's... really not what I meant..." Hiccup choked.

"Alright guys, new plan!" Tuffnut announced as he finally released Hiccup, who stayed crouched on the ground, coughing and trying to collect his breath. "No more assassinations! From now on, this rooster is our honorary guest! He was chosen by Chicken to be given her hand in marriage, and for this, he should be treated with the utmost respect!"

"Great. Dinner is ruined. _Again!_ " Snotlout threw his arms in the air.

"The ceremony will be held at sundown. Come on, people, put your hearts to it! I want this place to look more festive than Snoggletog Eve! Chop-chop!" he said with a clap, walked into the clubhouse and lifted the chicken. "Don't you worry, we're going to make you look like a princess for your special night," he assured her.

"And there goes the last bit of sanity still left in my brother's stupid brain!" Ruffnut said in frustration and kicked one of the broken jars which was still rolling on the floor. "Thanks a lot, Hiccup!"

"H-how is this my fault?!" Hiccup protested.

"Hiccup, this is insane!" Astrid called. "I am _not_ throwing a wedding party for a _chicken!_ "

Hiccup shrugged. "Do you prefer to watch Tuffnut wrestling a rooster to the death?"

"Hell _yeah_ ", Snotlout said. "I'll put all my gold on the rooster."

"Look, guys," Hiccup said. "You all know how hard it is to deal with Tuffnut when he's so... emotionally unstable. So let's all just give him what he wants, have a nice party and forget all about it the minute it ends, alright?"

Astrid sighed in exasperation. " _Fine_. But if I hear one more word about this 'wedding' tomorrow morning, both the bride and the groom are going to end up in Stormfly's stomach."

* * *

Unfortunately, there was no wedding party to throw at the end, because the groom had disappeared a couple of hours before the occasion. They searched for him everywhere, but the rooster was nowhere to be found near the Edge.

"Maybe he's got cold feet," Fishlegs suggested. "Or... cold claws? How does this work in chickens anyway?"

"Or maybe he just _chickened out_ ," Snotlout said. "You know, because it's a - "

"We get it, Snotlout," Astrid deadpanned. "Pun of the year."

Snotlout frowned and crossed his arms. "Well, at least I try to lift the spirits a bit! This is the most depressing not-party in the world. I _knew_ I should have wrung that bird's neck when I had the chance..."

Tuffnut was in a foul mood. He was pacing back and forth across the clubhouse, muttering angrily to himself. "How could he do that to her... and on their _wedding night_... a good-for-nothing punk, I always knew... she deserved so much better..."

"Tuff, will you please sit down?" Hiccup asked tiredly. He had spent more than four hours hanging decorations on every wall at the base (and then taking them down and hanging them again someplace else, because apparently nothing could satisfy Tuffnut's "artistic vision" for this special event), all his muscles ached terribly and he certainly didn't have the power to deal with another outbreak of a disappointed Tuffnut. He gestured towards Chicken, who was pecking greedily at a bowl of grains especially made for the feast, completely oblivious to her surroundings. "I mean, she seems pretty content without getting married at all..."

"It's called _stress eating_ , Hiccup," Tuffnut barked. "Believe me, I've seen it before. Right now her mind is too shocked to deal with the loss, so it's shutting itself down, allowing the most basic instincts to take over... soon the phase of denial will be over and the nightmares will begin... and then the howling... oh, _the howling_..."

"Wait, so it's the chicken that sometimes howls in the middle of the night and scares the living hell out of me? I thought it was you!" Ruffnut said, shocked.

"Does this mean I can finally go back to my hut?" Astrid asked impatiently.

"Yes, sure! Go to your hut! All of you, go away! Abandon the chicken when she's at her lowest point, just like her fiancé did!" Tuffnut yelled, waving his finger madly at Astrid. "You might as well stick one of Stromfly's spines right into her tiny, feathery heart, because clearly she hasn't been through enough!"

"I prefer using Stormfly's spines for better purposes, but I'll definitely go with the abandoning part. Thanks for the approval, Tuff," Astrid said and walked out of the clubhouse without sparing him a second glance.

"Um, I think I'll call it a day, too" Fishlegs said hesitantly. "Meatlug is exhausted after all these preparations, she could use a relaxing dip in the sauna."

"And I'm going to do something productive with all the mess those two have left all around the place and see which head can eat more chicken droppings, Barf or Belch!" Ruffnut announced. "You're free to join me whenever you decide to be normal again, Tuff!"

"Aaaand here goes my appetite," Snotlout gagged. "C'mon, Hookfang, let's go burn some stuff before she gets another type of droppings to - "

"Okay, thank you, you've both been very helpful!" Hiccup called. He closed his eyes for a second, released a long breath, then approached Tuffnut with a steady step. "Listen, Tuffnut, I know you're sad the wedding didn't go as planned, but try to look on the bright side - you've got Chicken all to yourself again! I'm sure you two are strong enough to overcome this... um... crisis."

"Time will tell, Hiccup," Tuffnut said dramatically and scooped the chicken in his arms. "Time will tell."

* * *

Time has told faster than they would have liked.

"GUYS!" Tuffnut stormed into the clubhouse the next morning, holding the chicken high above his head as if she was a trophy.

"What _now?_ " Snotlout groaned. "Did the groom finally decide to show his cowardly face? Because I _will_ get that dream dinner, I don't care what you say."

"What? Who? Oh no, we're sooo over that zero!" Tuffnut said cheerfully. "We don't need him anymore, we have something way better! We have... THIS!" he shoved his hand into his pocket and pulled out a small object.

An egg.

Everyone blinked.

The chicken screeched triumphantly.

"I'm going to be an UNCLE!" Tuffnut called, jumping up and down in ecstasy.

"That's... actually kind of amazing," Fishlegs said slowly. "Congratulations, I guess?"

"Y-yeah," Hiccup rubbed his neck sheepishly. "This happened oddly fast..."

"Okay, enough with the chitchat!" Tuffnut cut him off. "We are grateful for your greetings, but there are a couple of rules that need to be strictly followed throughout the time of incubation."

"Not _again_ ," Astrid rolled her eyes.

"Rule number one: no sharp movements near the incubating chicken; rule number two: no dragon roars near the incubating chicken; rule number three: no setting fire near the incubating chicken ("Oh, come _on!_ " Ruffnut protested); rule number four..."

"This is going to be worse than the wedding party, isn't it?" Hiccup asked desperately.

"Oh, oh, oh! I have an idea!" Tuffnut jumped again. "How about we all pay a visit to the good old Berk library and see if we can find any books about bird parenting?! Oh Thor, guys, this is so _exciting!_ "

"He wants to read _books?_ On purpose?" Ruffnut said in disgust. "That's it, my twin is dead to me."

"Oh, I don't think so," Snotlout smiled an evil smile. "I mean, think about it - if Tuffnut is going to be a chicken's uncle, doesn't this make you a chicken's aunt?"

Ruffnut's battle cry echoed all around the Edge as she pounced on him.

* * *

 **If you've managed to survive all this mess, I'll be happy if you leave your feedback. 3 Just don't throw any eggs! Tuff won't like it (HA)**


End file.
